I remember the first time I fell in love
I was 16 years old then, minding my own business doing homework in the library after school
The library was closed with half its lights off, only librarians allowed
and there I was
I can’t remember if I was skipping class then, but it was dark outside, perhaps raining
I was lost in my own world thinking I was alone, when suddenly the most popular girl in school, Serene, came up to me
She smiled to me and said something kind to me
In the darkness of that dim lit library, the brightness of a warm fuzzy funny feeling entered my heart
and stirred something deep within me which had not been there
This was a feeling unlike any other feeling
and it captivated me
Though she might not realise what she done to me, that moment with Serene began my 14 year quest journey in pursuit of this warm fuzzy wuzzy feeling that I felt in my heart
My life was never the same since
I was born with really bad eyesight
I can only see things which are 10 cm in front of me clearly, everything further away is blur
No one knew I had bad eyes until I was 7 years old when I started primary school
I sat 1.8 meters from the chalk board not getting any much work done because I couldn’t see anything written on it
This got me in trouble at school and my concerned parents sent me to the eye doctors, who prescribed spectacles which remedied my eyesight
Suddenly it became clear to everyone how come I always run headlong into things and injure myself
So it is at the age of 7 that I finally “saw” for the very first time !
Sight is amazing !
All this while I have been wondering how on earth people can drive cars not being able to see clearly what’s ahead
I thought maybe it’s a grown up thing and that if I finally grow up to be bigger then I would be able to see clearer and further or somehow able to sense what’s up ahead through some supernatural senses
Turn out that, oh it’s just that I have bad eyes ! XD
Its really great now that I am able to see but that also means I would now have to contend with the other people and things around me that I can now see also
Because up until now, the world as I knew it, is only the 10 cm world around me -_-
Everything and everyone else that was previously outside of this sphere of sight around me, faded to unimportance
And all my life back then I really was quite satisfied to spend time with myself, exploring everything within 10 cm of my sight
I did interact with other people from time to time but it had not been a necessity for me as the 10 cm world about me was fascinating enough already
So, at the age of 7, my sight restored to me through a pair of glasses, I continued living life the only way I knew how
Which is to continue exploring the world which is in my immediate reach
Interaction with other people remained a secondary priority because this new world of sight was fascinating enough already
That is, until
Serene came along and flipped my world around
I began to daydream about her a lot and there’s this weird pain like feeling in my heart whenever I think about her
I don’t know what it was, but it felt … kinda good …
I remember thinking
Is this love ?
Suddenly all those love songs on the radio makes sense now for the first time !
Naturally, I got my hands on Serene’s house phone number and began calling her so that I may speak to her
However, while on the phone with Serene, the conversation would usually die down only after 2 or 3 sentences, which goes something like this
Me : Hi Serene
Serene : Hi
Me : How are you ?
Serene : I am good
Me : Have you had food ?
Serene : Yes
* Awkward silence follows *
This really drives me crazy because I can’t stop thinking of Serene but when I am talking to her I just can’t think of anything to say to Serene !
It is that moment, that it dawned on me that I just spent the past 16 years of my life pretty much without any real need for conversation until now !
The fact that my heart beats so fast when I speak to Serene doesn’t help either !
This is a very disturbing discovery indeed
My inability to form meaningful conversations began to bother me a lot, it’s like there is this invisible wall between me and Serene
Clearly I am lagging way behind, 16 years behind everyone in this department of communication
Plus my classmates think that I am freaky because I only kept to myself all this while before this without interacting with them
And in my mind I think in English, Serene and almost everyone else in school think and speak Mandarin
So the odds are stacked against the odd one out here
With a heart of determination, I began to devise a plan to overcome this
I decided overnight that I would have to build up a personality and reputation from scratch for this purpose of interaction, in order to overcome my communication disability
My first plan would be to join the various cliques of people in class and practice conversation with them in all the variety of their topics
I would then also make phone calls to most the girls in class because I became very curious about girls now and I want to get to know more about them, to understand them
I gave this my all
In the day I would go around sitting amongst my classmates observing their conversations and at night I would spend hours talking to girls on the telephone
To be honest, I kind of like all those girls I called but somehow they didn’t give me this fuzzy wuzzy feeling that Serene did to me in my heart, I have no idea why
I sincerely felt that the girls in class are all beautiful in their own way, with their own unique looks, diverse personalities and distinctive charms
But it was Serene whom had my heart
High school was a very exciting time of exploration for me, in which I learned so much in so many different aspects of life
And yet though I have learned and grown much, I had not been able to overcome the invisible wall between me and Serene
By the end of high school, I left my feelings for Serene behind, determined to do better in love when i enter college
At the age of 18, I entered TAR College to study A levels
I thought, since no one knew me yet, this is the perfect chance to start from scratch and invent for myself a more effective personality and reputation for the purpose of my goal
Which is to pursue and attain this fuzzy wuzzy feeling in my heart
That’s when I met Camille
The first time I met her, I thought to myself how uniquely beautiful she is, with a personality to match
She has tan skin, big shiny eyes and long straight dark hair which smells like flowers
What really struck me through, is her personality which is both vibrant, funny and caring especially
At times she would have a fiery temper too but now I think it was mostly due to provocation on my part
I remember it was on a telephone conversation that I confessed to Camille that : I like you
I said those words thinking that perhaps the last time my failure with Serene is because I had not confess to her
And now I done it, anticipating a response from Camille
Though I confessed to Camille, I done it with a heart which is flawed because I had not the same confidence of the fuzzy wuzzy feeling I felt in my heart with Serene when I said these words to Camille
And indeed at that time I thought in my heart : I want you to be my first girlfriend but I don’t think you will be my last
Wisely, Camille replied me : I will think about it
Although my feelings for Camille had been mild at best, those words pierced deeply in my heart and broke it for the first time
All my life I have never felt such agony as this !
I find so hard to understand this feeling, I began to cry deeply about this for no logical reason
Perhaps it was because of my hurt pride
I reacted badly to Camille’s answer and pressed her for an answer thinking it is better to be clear cut about this and get it over with
I thought, if I can get a No from her then it is good so I can just move on to find someone else but of course if it’s a Yes then good la
The solution is just clear cut, direct, straightforward and simple right ?
After much pressing, Camille dropped this bomb on me : Let’s remain as friends
This hurt me even more and worse now somehow I couldn’t let go of my feelings for her
It’s like there was a fire in my heart now which hurts me but that I would rather live with this than without this feeling
I DON’T KNOW WHY !
Despite what Camille said to me, she still treated me very kindly and we still went out together on dates
Looking back I can see that she really cared for me despite my short fallings
And the dates we went on are chances for us to get to know each other better, which we did with the passing of the time we spent together
I don’t know how it was for Camille but for me the whole time during those college days it was an emotional roller coaster for me
I would feel really happy whenever I spend time with Camille and whenever she does something kind to me I would feel a surge of fuzzy wuzzy in my heart !
However every few months, with the intention of pushing things further with her, I would ask Camille questions like : Would you be my girlfriend ?
Her answer would always be the same, and my heart would always break and pain would gush out into my being
And we would fight too sometimes, over what specifically I can’t remember already, those were really new experiences for me too
Its funny writing this but I feel that I was addicted to this cycle of pleasure and pain
There was no feeling like this pleasure and there was no feeling like this pain
For it was a fire in my heart which hurts me yet brings me warmth, and without it I felt that outside there is only the cold dark desert night
Is this love ?
This continued until I left for further studies in Russia
Yet from Russia I would look back fondly on my college days, which I consider to be the days of my youth
Those meaningful and beautiful bonds of friendship we all had in our class
The adventures we had together, side by side a backdrop of endless horizons
With swift winds upon our backs which never seemed to cease
Golden sunshine upon our paths which never seemed to fade away
Amidst crossroads leading to the unknown bright futures that all of us are expected to be adorned with
And above all, Camille, whom humbled my pride and made me grew to cherish her in my heart
Looking back on those dates I went out with Camille, how I behaved on those dates really reflected who I was inside
Insecure, prideful, selfish, emotionally uncontrolled, coupled with my communication disability and a lousy temper
If only I had Wisdom back then
At the same time though
There was also a veil of darkness which covered my eyes
Pornography started as a curiosity in my life when I was 16 years old
As years pass by, this became an addiction as the expectations it portrays begin to permeate my thoughts and my being
What I allowed my eyes to take in now dictates my expectations
On top of that, to learn about relationships, I immersed myself in Hollywood movies along with all the culture, values and expectations they portray regarding relationships and all aspects of life
Believing in Hollywood, I would then place those expectations on myself and all aspects of my relationships with others henceforth
Which sets the backdrop for my next chapter in life
In my university days, the pursuit of my heart remains the fuzzy wuzzy feeling that I experienced
But the stakes are higher now, I was shocked when I heard that my peers around me have already started having sex !
Clearly I was lagging behind and I really need to step up my game now to catch up
Being a faithful believer of Hollywood, this means that I need to lose my virginity soon as possible so that I can become a man or else I would be branded a loser !
Being away far from home, the level of independence in my hands now is unparalleled
This is the best opportunity to pursue love and to ideally lose my virginity in the process
For me the movie “American Pie” was the aspiration of my youth and indeed if I am going to have sex I would want to do it with the one whom I love
So I made plans for Russia to be where my conquest of love begins
The plan is to get a Russian girlfriend
Since I am already here, of course I would want to experience the best that Russia has to offer right ?
Besides, the population of Moscow city alone is about 12 million people, that’s 1/3 of all the people of Malaysia put together
Statistically speaking, there is higher chance of finding love here among the local girls than from the foreign students around me
Plus, if I get married with a white girl, my kids would be mixed so they would be smart and attractive, it’s only logical that I want such genetic benefits for my children
And from my previous experiences with Serene and Camille left me feeling that perhaps asian culture is not really for me, I thought maybe they just too conservative for me
Seniors kept on bragging on how wild these Russian girls are !
This really fed me and led me on
At the same time, I felt within myself a deep sense of loneliness, as if there is no one in the world who could ever understand me
Me, being born in a country which labels me politically based on my skin color, having a mind which thinks in English growing up amongst people who thinks in mandarin at all times
Rejected at every turn, my self-identity in crisis, I found myself with questions left unanswered
Who am I really ?
Would I ever find people who would accept me ?
Would I be able to accept myself ?
I carried these questions in my heart as I went on my quest for love and life answers in Russian culture
One thing which slowed me down was language, as most the locals speak only Russian
Having learnt from past failures, the importance of language and communication is clear, so I have to look for someone interesting whom I can learn the language from
I found that someone in Esther
I was 20 years old when I met her
Esther is about 8 years older than me I think
She lives in the same hostel as me but she is not a student
She cleans a few floors of the hostel daily in the morning, in return she gets lodging privileges at the hostel while getting a small salary ( It’s a Russian system )
On other times she runs a door to door service as a hairstylist
Most of her customers are students, which was how I met her
With surprising boldness, I went up to Esther one day and asked her if I may practice my Russian with her and she graciously agreed !
So our friendship began
Esther is Russian and has sharp facial features
She has brown eyes and her brown hair was dyed blonde
She has a small frame but she’s very energetic and active
She is always full of ideas and she is very talkative at all times, I often spend hours just listening to her speak
She laughs with a force which reflects the robustness and life within her heart
She is tough and entrepreneurial too, being able to survive so well on her own in a cold city as Moscow
She lived alone and was on a quest to find back beloved family members whom she was separated from
She told me that she can see into the spiritual realm which was fascinating but to be honest I can’t say that I believed her
In fact, I thought she was a bit crazy lol
Esther and I, we became fast friends after only a few times of meeting together
I would often go to her room after dinner and we would engage in conversation for hours until past midnight
Most of the time I would be the one listening and Esther never has any lack of anything to share and talk about
Esther’s hands reflects the generosity of her heart as she often blesses me with her home baked Russian breads and pancakes which are so delicious and filled with such goodness
Whenever I am feeling down or when I have a broken heart from my various pursuits of love, Esther would always be there for me, to comfort me and encourage me even in my tears
I knew I can always count on Esther no matter what, she was a great and abundant blessing for me indeed
Naturally this way, my Russian language skills improved drastically and soon I found myself going out on dates often
Yet for the questions I carried in my heart, I never had an answer
I spent dinners and lunches looking across the table into the eyes of another person, searching for a feeling based on a memory
Most of the time, my heart rings empty and I would then have to further my search in someone else
And this continued throughout my time in Russia
One girl whom I dated for the first time sent me a message on the phone after
She wrote to me : What are you looking for ?
To which I have no conclusive answer
Analytically, the fuzzy wuzzy feeling come often in the strangest of times, I don’t really understand it
Example, there was a girl who works downstairs below our hostel and one day she just suddenly smile to me and was nice and i just felt it in my heart
Another time, I got to know a girl whom told me she was born with a heart defect and have been struggling with it all her life to stay alive and suddenly, a warm feeling was present in my heart as tears just kept streaming from my eyes
At the same time, it’s very annoying that when I actually take up to pursue these people whom give me these feelings, I began to realise how little they can give me in terms of this feeling after the first encounter
When I get close to these girls, I began to realize three problems
1 ) I don’t know what to say to them to make them become mine
2 ) They are often entrapped in their own situations and so am I
3 ) I can’t read their minds so I won’t know 100% what they are thinking and what they want.
The girl who works in the grocery downstairs
Her name is Fatimah, she’s from Azerbaijan
Beautiful girl, grey eyes, lustrous long wavy hair
Fragile body frame with milky skin, adorable smile
Fiery personality which reminded me a bit of Camille
When I first went after her, I brought her flowers
Fatimah did not hesitate, she asked me straight : Do you like me ?
With her big grey eyes peering into mine, I fumbled in surprise as no one ask me this question so straight forward before !
I do like Fatimah but the dating handbook I read says : Never tell a girl that you like her so fast because you will seem desperate
( It also says having sex with girls is a catch and release sport )
So I believed in that dating book and said : Maybe
Which ended in disaster
I was haunted by this, I kept thinking that if only I said yes in that moment, everything would have worked out better !
Fatimah told me then that she is engaged to someone from Sri Lanka who used to study in our university and she is waiting for him to return
Which brings us into the topic of the condition that she is in
Logically speaking, when I heard this I should have just say ok, I move on and find someone else
But in reality no, I just get entangled in this just like every time else
One part of me kept on thinking things like
~ Oh maybe she’s lying to me or maybe she is being lied to
~ Oh maybe I can convince her somehow and show her that my love for her is more true then she will come to my side
~ Oh maybe I can talk to her parents and befriend her siblings so I can win favor in her sight
But at the same time I knew that I am just wasting time, I should be just dropping this and looking for someone else so that I can get to my all important goal of losing my virginity with the one whom I love
This is very unintelligent, inefficient and impractical, so I really really want to just be able to cut off this bond between me and Fatimah so that I may be free of this cycle of pleasure and pain which is same as how I was with Camille !
Getting trapped in this emotion is really frustrating !
I have tried to fight these feelings inside myself but I always lose and for almost two years I was in bondage to my feelings for Fatimah till a wake up call hit me when I had a near death experience in Amsterdam
We will get to that story later
Analytically as per the points above, I know the one thing that I can work on is communication because I believed that if I can be able to say and do the right things at the right time and place, then I can make any girl fall in love with me
I have read dating books, communication books, I research on the web, I grew in the know-how, I watched almost all Hollywood movies that has to do with romance across all genres
I practice whenever I can, I develop methods and I orchestrate opportunities
Yet my quest for love always returns void to me
Which brings me to perplexity
Why can’t I ever be loved by the person whom I love ?
Why do I have such difficulty communicating with girls I have feelings for ?
What is this defect in me which makes me so disabled in this department ?
Would I ever be able to communicate as naturally as the people I see around me ?
I need to fix myself !
With the desire to overcome this lack in my heart, in my final year I joined an intercultural group from university and got inspired to re brand the group to – Intercultural and International Relations Committee ( I & I Relations )
I sincerely believed in making a difference by bringing people from different cultures and nations together through fun activities, promoting cultural exchange and greater understanding between all of us
In this group we organized outings to various cultural places in Moscow and across Russia such at St Petersburg, Vladimir and Suzdal
The plan is to make good pictures from these events and use these pictures to market invites in order to convince girls to come join us
With this propaganda, I can get to know these new girls and pursue my all important goals of you-know-what
I have always wanted the power to be able to speak to any female stranger I encounter in public spaces and get to know them
From my experience of doing direct sales, I believed that to speak to strangers I must have an excuse to do it, hence I&I Relations must be the perfect excuse as it’s both cultural and fun
Very fitting indeed for the agenda I have in mind
Excellent excuse, excellent plan, the organization was pretty successful with many turn ups
but the only flaw is the timing as it was my final year already so it’s too late to capitalize on this fully
If only I started this when it was my first year …
Nevertheless, the skills I learned from this phase of my life would benefit me greatly in the next phase of my life
In actuality, there was a few instances where I nearly succeeded in my pursuit of sex
There was one time, I was lying in bed next to a Russian girl whom was forced to be there because she needed a place to stay that night
Frantically she tried to reach her friends on the phone at 11 pm that night, yet none of them answered her phone calls so she had no other choice but to stay with me for the night
Yet, remembering the frantic look upon her face as she made those desperate calls, hurt my feelings
My thoughts : Am I so horrible ?
In my room I had only one bed of my own and the other bed in the room belonged to my roommate
Seeing that I have brought a companion and drawing to his conclusions, my roommate “generously” decided to leave the room to allow me privacy
As I laid myself on the bed next to her, my heart was broken and I assumed nothing was going to happen because of her earlier hesitations
Plus this girl every time I met her she always like to mention about her boyfriend in the army etc etc, I found this to be quite annoying to be honest
So I thought, fine, just sleep lah
Suddenly she turned around and began to drew close to me !
My back was facing her that time and I didn’t know what to do !
In that point when our bodies were in close proximity, our pulses quickened and our breathing became hard, I was stopped partly by my fear of rejection and partly because I know that it’s not by choice she is here now beside me
In my heart I know, she is only here because she needed a place to stay that night
Surely this can’t be love right ?
If we are going to do it I want it to be out of free will, it must not be forced like this !
And so we did nothing and we ended up being frustrated with each other the next day
Which left me with regret in my heart which haunted me constantly for not forcing myself to have sex with this girl
As I got older and my graduation approaches, my desperation increased
As I have yet to kiss a girl before even
I don’t want to be a loser !
So one night, when Esther came to me depressed and we went out drinking alcohol,
In that moment, with full consciousness, I hardened my heart and took advantage my dear friend, Esther
In a dark corner on the streets, with full knowledge that I have no feelings for Esther, I betrayed Esther with a kiss
and remaining in darkness we kissed
Yet I was not able to proceed further, because I don’t want to deceive Esther as I know she has feelings for me
So in my own wisdom, I ask her
Is it ok for us to be only sex buddies ?
Consequently, we didn’t speak to each other for almost year after that -_-
I broke Esther’s heart
For some abnormal reason, I don’t believe in lying to get what I want from girls, because I hold strongly that in love there must be no lies
I thought back on this in regret as well for not lying to get what I want just so I can lose my virginity
The closest I got to having sex was when a girl invited me to her hotel room to celebrate New Year’s Eve in Moscow
We got ourselves naked but somehow I kept on sneezing through the entire thing, I think that turned her off
It did occur to me that perhaps she was playing hard to get and wants me to force myself on her but for me it’s just out of the question because somehow I held onto my belief in love
And I am not willing to compromise my beliefs in love, even though in this situation I have no feelings whatsoever for this girl
Sex that is forced is confirmed not love, that’s rape
But of course that didn’t stop me from trying to convince the girl as I remembered a friend who told me he once convince a girl to have sex with him by crying, so I decided to give that a go and see if it works just so that I may finally lose my virginity and be done with it
Its actually quite funny when I think about what I did now lol
My tears failed to seduce the girl but I think it’s also due to my lack of respect for this girl as a person as well, as I tried to ape all the stuff I watched in pornography on her and to treat all parts of her body as objects for my pleasure
I then went on more dates with more girls, yet when i look into their eyes and don’t see a future of myself together with them
I really want sex but I can’t continue on to lie and cheat my way through just so I can have the pleasure I want because of my inconvenient belief in love
plus also there’s consequences, there was always the knowledge of consequences which is so clear in my mind
In my final year of university, I remembered this Russian girl whom I dated for months, when Valentine’s Day approached I called her to ask her out
She told me on the phone : You only treat me as friend, you are a cool guy but I need something more, recently I met a real Russian man who treats me the way I want to be treated
With tears in my eyes i answered weakly : But I will leave soon, I don’t know if we can have a future together, that’s why …
We said our goodbyes
When my university graduation approaches
My supposed great Russian conquest of love ends in failure
Is this it ?
I would start working then get married, start a family and spend the rest of my life just taking care of my kids ?
What happened to me wanting to see and experience the world ?
What happened to the greatness, romances and adventures which supposedly await me ?
What happened to the golden sunset in my face and the swift winds upon my backs that I expected in my youth ?
Is this the end of my freedom ?
Is this what life really is ?
Parallel Experience : Oppression
Although I have always been a person who doesn’t like rules and authority
This incident is the turning point which snapped something inside my heart which broke my faith in all human authority forever
As a medical student I paid money to specially do practicals at a local hospital here in Malaysia
I believe I was 24 or 25 years old back then, it was during the H1N1 outbreak and the nation was in a mode of scare as the papers published frantic news about this outbreak !
It is quite a dangerous endemic with alarming statistics
During this practical was an unconscious patient in a special quarantine room
I remember two Medical Doctors in charge of the ward, one of them he was hesitant and did not go into the quarantine room himself, I can tell he is squeamish about this while the other Doctor went in and ministered to the patient
After the first doctor who went in came out, perhaps noticing the squeamish doctor’s hesitation earlier, he told the squeamish doctor that he forgot something and needed him to help go in retrieve it
The squeamish doctor made a look on his face, then he suddenly noticed me and told me to go in to get it
Being young and too weak to say No , I obeyed and went in, took the item and got out as quick as I could
I felt horrible the moment I got out, I was not sure if I had been infected or not
At the same time I wondered if I am also risking exposure to my family later on
I left this practical experience scarred with a taste of what the real world is really like, where the strong would trample on those who are weak to resist
I felt horrible from this experience and wondered about this injustice, how come the person who is paid money to do the job can be so incredible to ask me who paid money to learn, to take the risks of his job on his behalf ?
Needless to say I quit my practicals the next day
As I wait out the incubation period for H1N1 expecting the worse, there was a strong feeling of hurt, anger and injustice in my heart
I wondered if I am indeed diagnosed with the disease should I take the time to exact revenge on this squeamish doctor or not
But at the same time I had only been helpless only to cry about this wrong which had been done on me
I survived this, I paid to learn and learn indeed I did
Parallel Experience : Betrayal
This was also an incident parallel to my pursuit of love worth mentioning
Before this there was a point in my life when i was studying, my life was a mess. I have neglected all my responsibilities and whiled away my time partying, sleeping and chasing girls instead of going to class and doing my duties.
Then summer holiday came, me and my friends went to Amsterdam with full expectation of all the indulgences shown in the movie Eurotrip
As drugs such as marijuana and magic mushrooms are legal there, we spent most our days in Amsterdam high in another world.
The third day we were there I tried magic mushrooms, it changed my life.
Mushrooms takes us into another world, suddenly we are able to feel all the emotions within a song to the tiniest detail. Playing Kenny G on my phone sounded like live music as if the saxophone was in front of me.
The colors we see suddenly looks more vibrantly beautiful.
Everything around felt alive, even inanimate objects. I went to the toilet and flush down a piece of tissue, suddenly i felt very sad as if the tissue died.
Then suddenly the idea hit me, why not i try to mix magic mushrooms and weed, what would the result be ?
Must be super high right ? Like will fly to space or what right ?
So i tried. I went outside the hostel and smoked the marijuana.
It was a windy night that time, my first puff nothing
Then second, then third, then on my fifth puff
Suddenly I hear the sound of waves !
It was as if the sky opened and the waves are crashing down !
Suddenly I was afraid, I knew something wasn’t right !
With worry in my heart, unsteady in steps, i made my way back to the room
The first door I knocked opened and inside all strangers I realized its not my room.
So went to another door which I think confirm is mine, i knocked and no one opened the door.
Then i knocked again and suddenly when the door opened, i started fading in and out of reality and loss concrete sense of what happened after that.
The above was what I told a lot of people, but in fact what I had no courage to mention is,
The door to my room did open and in that room when I got in, I noticed my best friend’s girlfriend to be inside
Fueled by years of explicit images in my mind and maybe even envy of my best friend, I watched in horror as my hand moved by itself and grabbed her shoulder with one hand intending to flip her over so that my other hand can grope her
I thank God that I had three friends who were in the room together with us so my dark intent was stopped before it began
My memory was a haze thereafter, I saw myself out on the streets and me fumbling in the dark as I groped my way through Amsterdam
I remember the red light district and terror gripped my heart as tried to stop myself from using the sex workers there as I had no longer control of my own body, I watch in horror as I see myself having sex with them without condom
Despair from the thought that I had violated my own body with incurable disease, I then found myself again on the streets trapped in a body which moves by itself
I then saw that I was outside there close to the tram tracks because in Amsterdam their tram is on the ground moving about along cars and there’s no barricade to separate pedestrians from the tram tracks.
Walking amongst the fast moving trams, my feet wobbly and fumbling, my mind and orientation a confused mess,
Part of me was in horror because I wasn’t able to control my body movement in such a dangerous situation
Another part of me thought it’s better for me that I am dead because of what I done to my friend and also because there is no more hope for me now that I am sure to have contracted an incurable Sexually Transmitted Disease from the prostitutes
When a tram finally hit me in a flash, I felt both horror and relief
I fell to the ground seriously injured, crushed beneath the tram’s metal wheels, left in darkness
As befitting of what I deserve
Is this it ?
Have I come so far just so I can die the death of a diseased lustful betrayer who got high on drugs ?
As the darkness closes in, fear gripped me as I breathed my last
This must be it, what a lousy way to go
To die a loser like this
In that moment, as I began to accept my end
I closed my eyes
Suddenly my vision exploded into a burst of mathematical formulas, logical equations and logarithms which offered a glimpse behind the very fabric of reality that we all live in
Then just as suddenly a vision of the bright sun and clouds filled me !
And I awoke, alive and well on my bed
I wondered if all I saw was just a dream, I knew I did fade in and out of the dream when I was high
I vaguely remember being trapped in the toilet, maybe my friends locked me inside
Having watched many sci fi series about alternate realities doesn’t help either
Am I dead in one reality and alive in this one ?
This incident scarred me to the core and destroyed the me that I knew up to this point
To know the fact that I had betrayed my best friend in such a dishonorable manner and having to live with the consequence of this henceforth
I spent the next day walking alone on the streets of Amsterdam, searching for answers in what I nearly done and what I saw before I woke up alive
I never told anyone this in full detail before because I was afraid that people would reject me and think me crazy
And it is the culmination of this brokenness and this dark knowledge of myself that I entered the next phase of my life
My and my friend whom I betrayed, we were never the same since
I spent years consoling myself that it’s my friend’s fault for bringing his girlfriend to come stay overnight in a room full of people experimenting with drugs
This is the defense that I clung on to, and yet …
I know who I am now, through the silent whispers in my heart
The bleating accusation of my thoughts when I close my eyes
The reflection of my creeping shadow when I am awake
Betrayer is my name
Back to Malaysia
During studies, I was diagnosed with gastritis in 2008
The doctors prescribed me Omeprazole to cope with it
Sadly, after being on Omeprazole, what began as a stomach discomfort evolved to waking up every morning to a burning vomit of acid and bile reflux
I also began to have trouble digesting food made from starch and also oily foods
Once I had a large tasty dinner of pizza only to suffer later having it stuck in my stomach not being able to digest it the entire night !
The excruciating feeling i felt that night still haunts me whenever I eat pizza even till this day
On the side, I also found an abnormality in which I can’t keep my attention span for long, I will just doze off against my will where I am at
So i found this to be very suspicious and I check the label for Omeprazole and found in the list of side effects includes the depletion of Vitamin B12 which is essential for mental alertness
So i had to buy multivitamins to counteract this
Realizing its toxicity, I quit Omeprazole cold turkey which was really hard because it helped with my gastritis back then and stopping it brought my nausea and discomfort back
And I can’t eat just any food, it has to be food of a specific sort of which my stomach can tolerate
I started having to cross out entire food chains from my edible food list but thank God I discovered that I am ok with yogurt and bananas
So for a long period of time during my student years, my diet consisted largely of yogurt, bananas and my own highly specific home cooked food
So it is with these persistent health issues that I brought together with me when I enter young working adulthood as a house officer in government service
In 2010, when I was working in the Hospital I witnessed things which opened my eyes to different realities
I saw a 17-19 year old boy, who for money sold himself to come to Malaysia, a land foreign to him, to be a factory worker here
It is also here that his hand got destroyed by the machine he was operating
In the darkness of night he cried out in sorrow from his sick bed only to be rebuked and jeered by those around him
I wondered what future lies ahead of him, now being maimed and disabled in this manner
I saw various men, victims of violent attacks
Their head, hands, body, feet, violently maimed by blades and knives
A person was stabbed with a fruit knife by his friend while he was asleep
Another permanently paralyzed from his neck down because his girlfriend’s uncle impaled his spine above his neck with a sickle
Even a fellow doctor, whom gangs of men came to his house to chop him up in his own garage
I wondered why and how come these incidents befall them, and how fragile our well being is
I saw a 30 – 40 year old woman, who suffered a paper cut between her fingers while reaching for some files
Some time later this cut evolved into a tumour, I can’t remember its cancerous or not
This just made me realize that anything can just happen anywhere
Most of all, there is an incident which affected me the most
In fact this particular patient haunts me
I had been taking care of this diabetic patient on insulin therapy for months
This guy is quite funny, he always hide a bar of chocolate somewhere in his room
So whenever we see a sudden spike of sugar in his blood we will know he just ate the chocolate which is bad for him because he is diabetic
So we treated him as a sort of naughty patient, we will try to confiscate his candy but then he kept on buying new ones
It’s like playing hide and seek with him
Sadly though, the joke in the end, was on him
When i rotated to another ward and came back about a month or two later, I discovered he became an amputee already at the knee
He was never the same since, the life and the humor that was in him have dried out
As if an empty shell of a man
Days later, he underwent another operation to cut off both his thighs because the necrosis have spread higher and higher
Both his legs have been sawn off from the joints at his hip
When I visit him again he was lying on his bed, his new surgical wounds being inspected by the docs
Exposed, naked, his genitalia between two stumps left and right
What hope have he now ?
Even if he lives, what future has he ?
He is so young …
As he was fighting an infection, I believed in vitamins so I desperately tried to convince a family member beside him to buy some Vitamin C supplements for him
Sadly all my last ditch of effort have not made a difference, the next day he died at a young age of about 35 – 40
I still think of this patient from time to time, even though i can’t remember his name
I have always wondered, what is it which can save him ?
How come some diabetic patients are ok but some just deteriorate like him ?
What made him commit suicide with chocolates ?
Knowing that sugar is poison yet not able to stop himself from partaking temptation
Then I look at my own life and realize my health isn’t doing too good either
Waking up everyday in a vomit of acid and bile in my mouth
And only being able to safely consume bland food without oil in it
My experience in the hospital so far has been clear, life is indeed very short
I was 25 years old back then
If even at this young age I already have so many health issues and taking so many pills to sustain me
How many years have I left ?
Surely I will die young if this goes on
And the pills i have been taking they aren’t making me any better !
Where is the glory of my youth ?
Should I die achieving nothing in my life ?
Should I die forgotten ?
Back then, I start my day waking up at 4 am and working till 10pm, having no social life
How many years have my parents left in their lives ?
Should I die with regret one day that I spent not enough time with them while they were yet alive ?
Believing in Hollywood which tells me that all i need is to find the right girl and I will be happy, and no girlfriend nor time to find one
Should I die alone and without romance ?
Should I die without a family of my own ?
SHOULD I DIE A VIRGIN ?
Affected by the diabetic patient’s death, in my heart i also thought, surely insulin is not the only answer
I check up my Russian textbooks and found alternatives that I wanted to try but they are not accepted here
As I was but a houseman so I need to do as it’s being done here, even commanded
Yet deep in my heart I am really convicted that if what’s being done is working then my friend won’t have to die after having both his legs sawn off !
There must be an answer and a hope somewhere ! Right ?!
Even in darkest darkness there must be a light, there just must be !
Should I die dedicating my life to something of which I don’t believe in ?
At that point, my failing health and my first hand witnessing in the hospital began the drastic erosion of my faith in pharmaceutical drugs for the treatment of non infectious chronic diseases
Determined to pursue the happiness I have always wanted in my life,
I wrote my resignation letter and quit after i saved about RM 10000
Till this point in my life I have never felt truly happy in my life as I have never attained love which is my prerequisite for happiness
I am adamant that before I die I must find happiness at all cost, this would be the greatest fulfillment of my life
And I’m certainly not going to die a virgin !
Noticing the troubles of the world I started my website http://famecherry.com
As I believed in the vision of bringing people from different nations and cultures together through fashion and lifestyle
With love and sex in mind, I planned to model this new venture based on my past experience with I & I Relations by using the website as an excuse to approach girls
Which worked excellently, for the next three years I have used the website and photography as tools to get to know many many beautiful girls who are models or want to be models
With the pretext of writing up articles about these girls on my website, I designed an interview so that I may systematically get to know each of them as a person
I genuinely was curious about them and I felt this would enhance my conversational skills with girls and at the same time allow me to understand them better
During these interviews, we talked about dreams and plans, we talked about the future
There’s a column on my site called Cheri, where I publish an interview with a different female model almost every week and I done this for a year or two consistently
I did end up going on dates with different girls I met through this but the results are no different than my previous dating experiences back in Russia
Throughout the interviews and on those dates, I met no one who can complete me in the way I want to be completed
And though I may have the occasional feelings of attraction to particular girls, it’s mainly physical and nowhere compares to the fuzzy wuzzy feeling I felt so long ago with Serene
With disabilities in communication and personality which I carried, all my endeavors to pursue these girls end in failure
My relationship with money also began during this time of my life when I had no stable income and was in a position of lack
In all of those interviews with the models, I would often consciously select the places where i can order plain water and I would deliberately choose the interview times to be between 2 pm – 4 pm so that I won’t have to experience the awkward situations where I have to foot the bill for lunch or dinner which would be definitely more expensive than just ordering drinks
At that time, after quitting my job, I only earned about RM 200 per month or less trying to sell my portfolio photography services to models so I really can’t afford to eat outside at all
For drinks I would always order water because it’s the cheapest and would hope that the model would do the same because it really hurts to have to end up paying RM 8 – 12 just for drinks when the model order some fruit juice or something
Soon after, I went into the business of organising modelling events where photographers pay me to organise photoshoot sessions with models on their behalf
This business took first place in my heart, as I placed the interests of my customers above all else
What began as conscious acts of frugality in spending money developed into an obsession to gather as much a money as possible
My modelling event business changed my perception of female models, from being potential life partners to becoming goods to be sold
As I negotiate their modelling fees, I realised how closely related are the fees they request with that person’s perception of themselves
Prices are haggled with all consideration to the model’s physical outlook, how popular she is and how much flesh she is willing to reveal in these shoots
Somewhere in the middle of this modelling event business, it did struck me that it’s as if I am running a meat market and my business has become more entertainment than photography
I notice also some photographers who join my shoots are addicted to the “products” that I sold, you know how in the media they label artists as “idols” ?
Indeed before flesh and all its promised pleasures, people do bow down and worship
Noticing this did not stop me as I forged on in the name of Money
Having an addictive “product” is even better for me, even if this “product” is a human being
Then an incident which mark my life happened, when I organized an event involving a lingerie model
It was the first event I organized involving foreign models
This model, she told me she will be coming for the shoot with her brother so I asked her and her brother to stay in my studio
Because since the studio is a house which belongs to a dear family member, I thought I can make a huge profit by cutting out accommodation cost from the shoots plus I can even charge her for accommodation for non working days prior to the events
Making more money ! =D
This is also an excellent chance to get to know this beautiful model and spend time with her and her brother I guess
I proposed for her and her brother to stay upstairs and for me to stay downstairs take care of the studio and she agreed
A business plan ideal on planning indeed, but faltered in execution
Here is what happened
When the model arrived, she asked me if she can please borrow my phone to call home, I had no compassion and feared I will lose a great deal of money in the call so I only let her sms home after rejecting her
When the model asked me to tether my 3G for her, I did and as I had a small quota then, she used up all the quota in just 1 – 2 hours, after that I feared losing more money and lost my trust in her
When it turned out the model’s brother is actually the model’s boyfriend, it was very difficult for me to let go of the studio for them because the house belongs to a dear family member
When they insisted to have the whole house for themselves, it was very difficult for me to let go because I had RM 5000 worth of studio equipment downstairs
When they threatened to cancel the event due to their unhappiness with me, I feared for my reputation as organiser, I gave in, I gave my entire house, its sanctity and all its contents
All for the money from this event and future events
When they threatened to cancel the event unless I cover taxi fees for therm or I drive them around to everywhere, loving money more than myself, I became their driver as they sat behind me. For money I gave myself away
With all the patience I had, for a week I drove them and many places we went. But my patience was low, and I could not satisfy them. For the love of money I endured.
As the end of the event approached, her boyfriend have to fly back at 6 am and the model wanted to bid him farewell. Me fearing for the events and having no faith the model would return on time, for a fee I gave myself as driver to ensure the timing for the events can be kept.
For money I summoned all my will and wake up 2 am to fetch them to the airport and back, for money I gave my spirit
Despite all, after the event was done, the model decided to reveal her dissatisfaction with me to her countless thousands of supporters, and also claimed that I sexually harassed her
For money I was condemned and labelled a deviant for entering my own house which was given away to money
Publicly humiliated and persecuted, under this huge stress, haunted by dark thoughts, I sank into a serious depression and finally I broke to despair
Worried about the business, my reputation, the overwhelming social stigma, despair and hopelessness seized me and I thought
Is this the end ?
For money, have I given my life away ?
In this moment of darkness, my customers whom I met through my photography events came to comfort me and encourage me
And after a depressing night of arguing with the model through Facebook about her post about me, I somehow woke up the next morning inspired to write this apology letter that I now know from whence came
I just want to publicly apologize for the fact that you did not enjoy your stay here in Malaysia. It is never my intention for this to transpire.
I also want to take the opportunity to publicly apologize for the misunderstanding which has happened between us, I have learned from this mistake. As mentioned by our friends here, yes, a contract would be more black and white compared to Facebook messages. I will learn from this.
We both have our points, but at this point, it is senseless to argue about it anymore. I have removed all materials I have posted on my side.
For the record and for everyone’s knowledge, no I am not a predator of any sort. Since the material posted here is about me personally, please know that I am not such a bad person as depicted in the post, if anyone wants any explanation about me, please feel free to pm me or contact me through phone, this is my phone number
I have requested for all the materials about me to be removed, but if this does not happen then let this be my time capsule. Perhaps in time I will look back on this in a more endearing light.
Thank you everyone on your time and attention on this issue, I guess it shows that we are all part of the same caring society.
I will be moving on now.
Take care everyone, goodbye.
Immediately after I posted my letter on her Facebook post, everyone moved on and a peace was upon me
However this incident didn’t pass by without leaving a mark in me
Since then, I carry a shame in my heart when I speak to people from modelling events, be it photographers or models, I felt suspicious about what others might think about me
And I felt helpless that it’s not something I can control
All innocence in my heart left me since then, as I became publicly labelled falsely as a deviant and went through the pains
The money from the shoot was really good though because people are willing to pay that much more for lingerie shoots
One customer who was beside me during this ordeal asked me : Was it worth it ?
I told him, now that disaster struck, of course not
But on paper, it was a very ideal plan indeed
So I continued on to organize modeling events until my next lingerie event when I brought in another foreign lingerie model who was not able to perform for the photo shoots because she was addicted to a drug called “ice”
The model’s manager told me that I needed to source for the illicit drug locally here in Malaysia in order to “keep her going”
Because the Money is so good from lingerie events, it really pained me to have to cancel the shoot
I have no interest to be convicted of drug possession for this
For me, the concept of having to feed my “product” drugs just so that she can perform, made me kinda nauseous and also made me realize just how unstable this source of income is
With all its potential dangers
Since then, i became disillusioned with the modelling events business and decided to leave it behind
I began focusing more on my media equipment trading business and my income began to grow
Thinking that Money would buy me happiness as recommended by the world, I gave it my all
It also seemed to me that Money is my pre-requisite for love because I thought girls would only accept me if I have Money
However, as my income grew, the emptiness in my heart began to grow as my dating life had not improved even with more money
Then I began to think, is it that I need even more money ?
But then again, if the girl is together with me because I am wealthy, then it’s the Money that she loves, not me right ?
Do I have to buy more stuffs to flash what I have just so that girls can notice me ?
At the same time I was greatly unhappy by the family relationships around me which were breaking apart
As I fast approach 30 years old, my priorities shifted from looking for a girlfriend just so I can finally have sex to looking for a wife for fear of the loneliness of life ahead
I was no longer sure if I still believed in the fuzzy wuzzy feeling I felt many years ago because I have never felt it for a long long time and indeed my heart has become numb
I no longer have faith in love as I used to
Observing the broken marriages around me and my friends’ broken relationships, I can’t help but wonder
What makes a perfect marriage ?
I want my marriage to be perfect and for my children to not have to experience the same pain I had as I grew up amongst the painful drama of the dysfunctional and broken marriages which immersed me
I suspect that one of the reasons for the disabilities inside my heart may be due to these broken relationships in which I grew up amongst
And indeed for a long time I hated all my family members around me because they were a major source of pain for me and I wished I can get rid of them literally
In the name of Money, I plotted in my heart to murder them by encouraging them to consume more unhealthy foods just so I can gain my inheritance that much faster
In my view that moment, the older generation is now getting obsolete and useless
For the sake of conserving resources, best they die and make way for the new generation instead
Parallel Experience : Prostitution
In my journey as a working adult, I soon encountered people who came to me glorifying their exploits with prostitutes
One of them told me that as we approach our 30’s, it’s getting more and more normal for us to visit prostitutes for their services and indeed he does frequent them
Another told me about his adventures of paying some very popular girls on Facebook for sex, implying that everyone does have their price and with Money we can buy them all
Another is a college guy who came recommending a website which lists all these girls available for sale near my house
For me, as I studied medicine and I know about Sexually Transmitted Diseases, I simply cannot allow myself to be joined with a prostitute who may carry all these life changing incurable diseases
And if it’s a perfect family that’s what I am working towards, how can I bring this disease into my future family ?
It doesn’t make sense !
Ever seen a perfect happy family in which all of them are infected with Gonorrhea, Hepatitis C and maybe even some AIDS ?
But at the same time, I really really really want to experience sex and I just kept on thinking about sex non stop
This was always on my mind and I kept on checking out all the girls around me and always imagining what they are like naked
In my heart I really want to just go find a prostitute and be relieved of this finally already
The thought of wanting to get a prostitute cross my mind each time I watch pornography
Yet due to my medical knowledge, I become torn apart, I tried finding the limits of the boundaries that I can go without being infected
So I did some research and I tried becoming a lawyer against disease
What if it’s only the hands ?
What if it’s only the legs ?
What if it’s only the mouth ?
What if rubber gloves are used ? Or double condoms ?
But the fact is this
No matter how limited the body contact is, as long as there is body contact, the risk of infection would always be there
I got into an argument with the first guy I mentioned above when he told me how he thought that having sex with girls is a catch and release sport ( Just like in the dating book I read so long ago )
Being a virgin myself, I thought ideally of course when I get married, it’s only fair if my wife is a virgin also right ?
Surely there must be fairness, equality and justice in this world right ?
If indeed I want a virgin wife, how can I go around “catching and releasing” girls for sport ?
How can all this be reconciled statistically ?
At first he was about to relent to the statistics I presented,
then he said : No, for me it’s not a requirement to have a virgin wife
For me I held on to the fact that it’s not fair for me if I am virgin and my wife is not
This is unacceptable !
Since Hollywood said we need to lose our virginity to become a man,
I looked at my friend who glorified prostitution and sex in my face : Is this the picture of a “real man” ?
He seem to have financial difficulties despite having an above average income, is it because he spent most his income on prostitutes ?
His speech / thought / emotional patterns are erratic and stuttered, can this be symptoms of Syphilis ? ( Syphilis is an STD which eat our brains if left untreated )
Clearly this is a problem which needs a solution
So I spent RM 400
And bought myself a rubber vagina
Henceforth, every time I used this device and done masturbating to porn, I would be reminded :
Is this who I have become ?
Technically, the pleasure that I feel is from endorphin released in my own body, does it make sense that I spend each moment of my life being addicted to my own chemicals ?
Is this minutes of pleasure, the culmination of what I want in life ?
Chasing peak after peak after peaks of pleasure ? Up down up down up down ?
Is sex the only reason why I am alive ?
Soon I developed an unusual allergy to the rubber vagina.
I experienced difficulty breathing when I sleep after I use it because after I use it I have to wash it and dry it in my room.
Because I just can’t hang a rubber vagina to dry out in the open for all to see right ? lol
So I disposed of this rubber device discretely after
Yet, the questions remain still
As my business grew, I got to know more and more people
One of my customers invited me to her church small group, my first question to her was : Are there many single girls there ? =D
She said yes, so I came to the cell group
We sang some songs together, somehow singing these Christian songs alleviated the pain of emptiness in my heart a bit
So I kept on coming
At the same time, I wanted to know more why I felt better when I come to cell group singing these songs
I encountered a Ted talk which says that because human beings are social creatures, when we do activities in a group, our bodies would produce some social chemicals which makes us feel good
For me that made sense to explain why I felt good when I attended the small group
However as I continued to attend this small group, which is very serious in Bible studies, I still felt in my heart kinda cold in a way
The invisible wall between me and the people around me is still there
I was not able to connect with the girls there and I have no interest to talk to the guys because they are useless for my ultimate purpose
Plus the many questions I have in my mind in regards to God and religion has not been answered
This is also a time when I am interested in global conspiracies, I wondered what made the Jews seemingly superior compared to other people and I also was looking at “Jewish Magic” in order to find the secrets of this world
For me, I am a strong believer in science and in my view, religion separates people instead of bringing people together,
So I ask :
1 ) What are the differences between the Abrahamic faiths and why there is always so much conflict in the middle east ?
2 ) Is organized religion designed just so that it’s more convenient for people to help one another in an organized and systematic manner ?
3 ) Does all religions point to the same God ?
They gave an answer, but for me it’s not good enough
Not having a sense of belonging there, I left
As I had beginning to amass a substantial amount of savings, a thought cross my mind that I can just liquidate all my business and move to Japan
That way I can subsist on my savings, and just spend all my time studying in university and chasing Japanese girls and Japanese sex instead
Won’t that be great ?
I began taking Japanese classes and was about to set my plans in motion
Then I met Jane
Or rather, Jane met me, she added me on Facebook
I was 28 year old then
Jane was 19, she was going to start her studies in music then
We did some casual chatting here and there, then we finally met face to face about a year later when I thought of starting up a music business composing music and making music videos
Jane has a medium frame, beautiful in her own way but different from the mainstream definition of beauty which emphasize sharp features
Actually, it never cross my mind that I should go after Jane but then I remembered one of my customers who advised me : Marry someone who is good for you, not someone you want
When I met Jane, i never thought much of her except her innocent look and her amazing talent in music
However as I interact more and more with her, I began to see what a beautiful and attractive person she is
When she first met my dog and chased after her, my dog fled from Jane and it’s the first time I see my dog react this way.
Jane’s love for dogs must have came in such a strength that she overwhelmed my dog
When I watch Jane interact with people, she approaches them with such openness that she disarms all of them and got them on her side, I greatly admire this quality in her
Jane is a natural leader
Not only Jane has courage and such a big heart, she is also such a diligent character who really works hard doing part time jobs to earn extra income
I thought : Surely she must be good for me
From then I began to develop feelings for Jane
However as I was in a dilemma because of my age, I’m not sure if it’s right because I was about 29 and she barely 20
I struggled against this greatly and was torn and in conflict
Then the day came when I saw her WhatsApp picture which changed to Jane and a guy together, I suspected it’s her boyfriend and my heart broke that day
And when I met up with her a week after and she confirmed that she just got into a relationship with someone, my breath left my lungs
and I became as if an empty shell
I became forlorn for weeks as feelings of inadequacy strangled me
I began making plans to find hope in a faraway land, I planned to go Thailand and find true meaning in life there
I chose Thailand because due to the recent nuclear disaster in Japan, i don’t want to stay near radiation for obvious reasons
The emptiness in my heart began to develop into a pain which does not go away
It’s different this time because I thought I finally found my hope in Jane
And now that the prospect of Jane is gone, there is no longer any hope or reason for me to stay here in Malaysia
Parallel Experience : Unrighteousness and Injustice in this world
In most my working adult life, I scrambled myself to model after the successful entrepreneurs and leaders before me
I read Steve Job’s autobiography and subscribe to Bloomberg markets to find out how they think so that I may think as they think so that I may have success the way they did
I worshiped Lee Kuan Yew, I wanted to be a leader just like him
Due to my communication disability, I admired Adolf Hitler’s oratory abilities and wished that I may be able to speak as he did ( But of course I reject the results of Adolf Hitler’s ethics )
Since what I experienced in my near death experience in Amsterdam, I also noticed that there is a hidden secret in the fabric of the reality we live in, which also fascinated me to find out more about the occult and secret societies
All the above I continued to delve in, till the airline disasters MH 370 and MH 17, investigations pending
About the same time, I also noticed a female model I knew from Facebook ( but never met her before personally ), got murdered and one of the suspects is an influential person in society, investigations pending
It made me wonder if there can ever be Truth, justice and righteousness in this world ?
What happened to these people really ?
Who will bring them justice ?
What would happen to me if I am involved in future plane accidents ?
Who would seek justice on my behalf ?
Is the death of these people meaningless ?
Why should I be murdered simply just so the powers of this world may move their agendas forward ?
Is my life and death so insignificant as well ? To be murdered then reduced to a statistic lost in the pages of time ?
What is the solution to all of this ?
It is also around that time, the newest nation in the world was established in the middle east
News of their rise became louder and louder as the year 2014 comes to an end with the uncertainty of 2015 looming ominously ahead
Personally I found it fascinating what they are doing as I watched them on the internet with their faces covered in black running around with their black flags conquering territory, murdering, raping, enslaving and pillaging in the name of whom they worship
Are they offering the world a valid alternative ?
Is this something which will change the world as we know it?
Is this the solution to the unrighteousness and injustice of this world ?
Would it work ?
When I was in school and high school, I experienced being bullied and I grew up carrying a form of hatred in my heart
I really hated the people who abused me verbally and physically
As years past and bitterness grew in my heart, I really long to have my revenge against them
Wanting the power to exact revenge, I exposed myself to literature about satanism which taught me to hate
In my hatred for them, the only thing which stop me from murdering my bullies is only my fear of the repercussions from committing this crime
After i count all the costs, it’s not really worth doing it, to trade my life for theirs
Plus I been in a fist fight one time before while living in Russian hostel,
I realize that I just don’t have the heart to continue fighting after my anger evaporated the moment my first punch landed on my roommate’s face
However, I was forced to continue as my roommate began to fight back and we struggled against each other as we fall to the ground before being separated by our other roommate
During that struggle I notice that we could have done more damage to each other, even an innocent item as a key can be used to blind a person’s eye
I guess we each counted the cost and decided not to go to that level
I realized then also that there is no such thing as a clean fight
If you really think about it, if you live in a place with no law and no one to enforce the law, you really can do literally anything you want to other people right ?
Well, seems to me that being in this new nation which actually condones murdering, raping, enslaving and plundering in the name of whom they worship, makes it kinda legal to do all these things I always wanted to do right ?
For me I abhor blind obedience in all forms, as a scientist I value knowledge and I am against any hint of ignorance
I must get to the bottom of everything, that’s why I am not in religion
Yet this new nation stands to be an unfortunate but fascinating specimen, watching these people manifest what they believe in their hearts
Can force be overcome with force ?
Is the introduction of harsh laws and brutal punishments from a religious book, something new ?
Is rape new ? Is pillage new ? Is murder new ? Is slavery new ?
Let’s say, if I do, for whatever reason join them and go to war just to get what I want
A sense of adventure, a sense of purpose in my life and all the sex I want
Can a raping, pillaging, murderer who enslaves people, achieve the perfect family that I have spent my entire life looking for ?
Will this perfect family live in perfect Love for each other ?
As I was contemplating all these things
I got in touch with another customer, a girl who bought a clapperboard from me before
She invited me to come join her at her church small group
This is a different church than the other customer
Naturally my question for her would be : Are there any single pretty girls there ? =D
Answer is yes, so I am there
It was there that I met Ruth
I was 29, she was probably 24 that time
Ruth has pale skin, long straight hair
Other than that, there’s none of her features which caught my eye
Her face usually has lack of expression and I noticed her to be kind of strict, totally not my type
To be honest I didn’t really notice her when I first met her, I mixed up her name for someone else’s
In this small group we usually have food together, sing songs, play icebreaker games and do many things together
We also discuss the Bible
I thought to myself, yes, this is the place where I can get some of those social chemicals which should make me feel good
Because in my job I work usually alone and at that time there was an emptiness in my heart which somehow felt better after singing those songs
Though I am was not much of a Bible person, I know the real reason why I was there, the girls
During dish washing time, I noticed Ruth doing the dishes and I went near to put a dish on the rack above her
We struck conversation
I’m not sure how but somehow we were led to discuss about perfume and alabaster,
which then led Ruth to point out to me some details about this story – https://goo.gl/ceV3qF
I thought to myself : hello ? I am born a Christian ok, how come u teaching me these things ?
and how come i not remember any of these ???
I left the conversation in an abrupt and insensitive manner
But I felt the guilt and decided to message Ruth later on Facebook about it
However, due to my inability to apologize, I instead asked about the alabaster thing, which I had not received a reply
Then I went on to a youth party and saw her there, but i forgot whats her name and couldn’t find the words and courage to apologize, I was not able to reach her
Then during another small group gathering in December, for Christmas celebration I think, I saw her in the small group gathering again, and again I am lost for words for my guilt, plus I also forgot her name
I messaged her something lame on Facebook after saying : Nice to meet you , and accepted her silence in reply
After that I totally forgot about everything and life went on for me
We met a few times after that in birthday parties and such but I have forgot about the past, however by then found out her name is Ruth
Some time later though, I saw Ruth in a dream
The dream went like this
I was in the field in the morning, the sun was shining at about 8 am – 9 am
It was a field of green and there she was
She turned back to face me, smiled brightly and said : I want to be a model
Then i woke up
I thought, this is crazy, this girl who never smile suddenly smile to me in my dream and say she want to be model
At first I thought maybe she want to be a fashion model or something, I thought about asking her about it but didn’t because I was afraid it will make her scared of me or think I’m a lunatic
Plus she also never respond to my communications so it’s pointless i guess
So I forgot about her and life went on
It was then around December that time, that Jane, whom I placed my hopes in, told me that she already have boyfriend
My world crashed down and fell apart
Even though that time I am totally devoid of emotions and have an emptiness in my heart already, my heart which I thought can never be broken further, broke from pieces to crumbs
The fire of pain ignited in my chest to the point of a dull physical pain which lingers with my every breath
As I wandered the reality of my days searching for hope, I went out with friends looking for an answer
But no one has the answer, no one
I sat in my friend’s living room discussing the mundane details of futureless, meaningless, useless life
It’s more and more apparent to me the inevitable endless cycle of life where a person just grows up get marries and dies
I HATE THIS !!!
WHAT HAPPENS IF I DONT GET MARRIED ???
SO I JUST GROW OLD AND DIE THATS IT ???
WHAT IS THE POINT OF ALL THIS REALLY ???
I fought this all my life
At this point, this moment, the strength of my feet failed me
As I hit rock bottom, my knees struck the crude jagged reality of life, the torn flesh of my reality an audible sound of hopeless despair
As I lay myself down to sleep, resolute about leaving everything behind to go to Thailand and start my life afresh there and hopefully mend this pieces of my life, and find the happiness i always sought there
The plan remains that I am to get into a course in the Thai university there so that I can spend my time pursuing Thai love, Thai sex and Thai money
Maybe I can start a business, maybe I need to create a new personality to interact with my new classmates, maybe in Thai culture it’s more accepting for me
But from experience I knew, my communication disabilities don’t get me far in relationships
And with my requirements of wanting a virgin wife, I briefly considered spending my savings to buy myself a virgin bride of very young age
How much Money would be enough ?
Noticing that the older I get the more my obsession grew in regards to younger and younger girls, this reminded me of a novel i once read about pedophilia
But for me I brushed it all aside, because how else am I going to meet the standards of my heart’s pursuit ?
How else would a 30 year old virgin find a virgin girl, if not going younger and younger ?
It has also occurred to me to ask myself
Am I gay ?
Since I am almost 30 and still have not had sex with a girl yet to prove that I am not gay
But I really like girls, how can I be gay ?
I always watch straight porn only, that means I am not gay right ?
But then if I am not gay, how come I don’t have a girlfriend before yet ?
Am I really such big a loser ?
What is wrong with me ?
How can I fix myself ?
I have thought is there someway I can earn the love of someone I have feelings for ?
Is it my looks ? Do I need to do plastic surgery ?
But I know these things won’t last !
How much of myself should I give to alter my appearance which I know doesn’t last ?
Amidst the darkness of my thoughts, exhausted of my struggle, I laid myself down on bed that night
Planning for my uncertain future ahead
I promised my acquaintance from the small group, John, that I would visit their church the following day
The least I can do is to soak myself with some social chemicals so that I may feel better
I experienced my heart being broken many times before, but this time its different, it’s painful but it’s not as sharp as in my youth
It’s a dull yet strong lingering pain far away amongst this backdrop of numb hopelessness
Numbness because as I grew older and going through what I did, I just grew numb and cold, I began to feel less sensitive to emotions
Hopelessness because I knew I tried everything for so long and nothing worked
So this time this heart ache is the festering gangrenous kind of broken heart
Amputation may be the only option
When I was in church that Sunday
I remember coming late and when I entered the hall, it was prayer time
One of the hosts in church asked me if he can pray for me
So I said : I want happiness
I can’t hear clearly what he prayed for me but I remembered this song which was being played on stage : https://youtu.be/6Hi-VMxT6fc
Suddenly, without warning, the pain in my heart just left !
I didn’t understand it
Tears streamed from my eyes
I never cried in public in my entire adult life before, so I was very embarrassed
Throughout the pursuit of my journey, I have always been finding the solution of this broken heart pain problem because in theory, since I want to find love and sex, it’s more efficient if I can just handle rejection with stride
Because if i can just be healed of my broken heart real fast then I can move on to the next girl that much faster as well
So to remedy the pain of my broken heart, I have tried a lot of things
Smoking, alcohol, drugs, self isolation, sleeping long periods, travelling, self abuse, cutting myself, clubbing, taking long bus rides alone to nowhere, writing poetry, sharing poetry I wrote to random strangers on internet and in real life, reading, eating a lot and many more
None of them work, it usually takes a long time for me to heal from a broken heart
But this time, my pain just left me like that after this church brother prayed for me
And I recovered from my numbed emotions as I began to be able to feel again for the first time in many years
It was then, it dawned on me …
I was healed in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth !
God is real !!!
After this, for a month I would listen to worship songs and cry my eyes out, especially the song “You make me brave” which was playing when I was prayed
This begins my next chapter in life together with Jesus Christ
My festering gangrenous broken heart, now healed
So I thought now is the perfect time for me to continue my pursuit of love and happiness the way I have always done it
But God has other plans for me
As Easter approached, we went into a period of 21 days prayer and fasting and our small group decided to run a prayer chain
A prayer chain is basically a morning wake up call where one person would call another person so they will wake up early to pray
It was around that time that I recalled my dream of Ruth and I thought : Who is this Ruth ?
I became curious about her
For the fast, I fasted pornography and masturbation
When the prayer chain order was being arranged,
I thought : Oh, how great if I can be slot after Ruth, so I can hear her sweet voice everyday, it be great and I can also get chance to know who this Ruth is
And to my surprise, indeed, I was slot in beside Ruth and someone named Barry !
During the 21 days prayer, the prayer chain kept me motivated, I fasted my vulnerability and with the Hollywood’s version of happiness and love in mind, I prayed daily to God in the morning for happiness and love in my life
I also anticipated Ruth’s calls daily and took advantage of the prayer chain to try to get to know who is this Ruth
I tried to seize every advantage to make conversation with her, but then suddenly she just stopped replying me after seeing my message
Drawing from the abundance of my experience, this shows that the girl is no longer interested and it’s a sign of rejection
Sensitive due to my disability, I felt deeply hurt and got into a depression for a few days
But despite all, still Ruth dutifully called me daily in the morning
And on one Wednesday group prayer, I anticipated Ruth’s presence there
However, when I arrived, Ruth was not there, I felt relief due to my shame and embarrassment
but I felt disappointed also at the same time because I really look forward to see her
Then as I closed my eyes in prayer, like a wind she came, and as a wind she left us with a prayer
That moment I can’t bear to look at Ruth, due to my feelings of shame and rejection
But with my eyes closed, I listened to her prayer for someone she mentioned as “her friend” and for that person to come to know Jesus Christ
I don’t know who Ruth’s prayer is for but with my eyes closed I saw her heart and I felt her prayer is for me
There is a great courage within her and the discomfort she braved through for an unworthy stranger like me had been a great act of sacrifice
I was about to falter in my fast but with the new strength Ruth inspired in me, I grabbed on to hope and perseverance
And completed the 21 days fast in the name of Jesus !
On Easter Sunday, the sermon shared was the alabaster story Ruth shared me the first time I met her https://goo.gl/4k5R1P
Suddenly this reminded me of Ruth and what she did for me, tears kept on streaming from my eyes and I can’t control it
I kept on crying during the whole sermon
This experience of me with Ruth gave me the experiential relevance for me to comprehend what Jesus done for all of us on the cross
The answer to all my questions about Love has now been found !
For this I feel eternally thankful
Later on I learned that its possible that Ruth have experienced some form very bad experience from men before
Yet to think that despite this, she still braves through all and reached out dutifully to me pointing to Christ Jesus
I thought, Ruth is such a blessing for me and have helped me greatly
What is a man who only takes and never gives back in return ?
So I started praying for Ruth too, that as God set me free from my burdens, I pray He will set her free too
That even as I receive true happiness from God, I pray He will bless Ruth with True happiness too
This begins my supernatural journey together with the Lord Jesus Christ
The Light, the Truth, the Power and Glory that I have sought and was willing to give up my life for, has now been found
For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
Even as I got to know and understand God more and more through my journey, layer by layer I start to unfold the Truth behind this reality which was previously inaccessible to me
The desires of my heart to peer behind the veil of reality has now been fulfilled and is now at the forefront of my exploration
For the many burdens of which I carried before this
God guided me on a 40 days fast of repentance, and gave me the courage to reach out to those of whom I wronged and reconcile my differences with each of them
The one hardest issue for me to let go, is my betrayal of my dear friend in Amsterdam, I carried this guilt for many years and it haunted me consciously and subconsciously.
During the fast, God reminded me of this and I surrendered this secret I kept unto the Lord, and finally was able to muster the courage to meet up with my friend and apologize for what I did.
I rejoice with the passing of everyday as I regain more and more territory within myself, my body, my spirit, my soul, my strength and beyond myself, which previously was held by dark forces, sickness and negative influences of the world
Exciting times indeed
But what about Ruth then ?
For a very long time in my life, being in bondage to lust, I saw women as objects for my purpose
At first I too spent time thinking about Ruth this way too
Then once, while I was fantasizing about Ruth, suddenly I saw a vision where I was in bed with her but her face was blank and completely without any emotions
That immediately stopped me in my tracks and I have stopped thinking about her that way since
The relationship that I desire is not a broken one like that
To be honest, till this day I don’t know who Ruth is as a person
The inexplicable invisible wall whenever I encounter anyone who particular interest me, is now between me and Ruth
Despite that, I continue to feel grateful for what she has done
and yet at the same time of course, I understand that the reason why she did what she did, is for the glory of God, pointing to Jesus Christ
Me, being thankful to God and also to Ruth, I just feel that I too want to do something to express my gratitude first to the Lord Jesus Christ and through Christ, my gratitude to Ruth for being obedient to Him in reaching out to me
I really want that one day Ruth can be able to smile again like how she smiled in my dream that many months ago
I want her to be healed just as how I was healed from my conditions
And to the end of that purpose, due to my personal experience, I strongly believe in the power of Testimonials of God to reach deep into the heart and heal the areas that God wants to touch
However I can’t do this directly with Ruth due to the inexplicable wall
Hence God shown me this dream
Ruth was selling bread at a bread shop but I can’t buy
So I go through the backdoor, make bread and sell to her supplier
And so I do this for a few months, sharing my testimonies and giving all I can to Love the people around Ruth
Indeed I see progress as people around church show progress of healing with far reaching ripple effects !
There seems an improvement in Ruth’s condition too, to which I am thankful to God
However, after some time, I too think about Ruth, like, is it this girl I am meant to marry ?
I mean don’t even know her yet
I thought, is it I need to pursue her ?
What if Ruth is healed already and someone else got her before me ?
For this God shown me this dream
I saw Ruth sitting on a bench with another guy and they kissed
And when I saw that, immediately in the dream I prayed to God to bless their relationship together
Then as I woke i found myself in praying position
So, ok fine. I labour without being sure if I am going to reap the rewards
Then God pointed out to me : What glory is it if you do things only because you expect some kind of reward ?
If I only do things which gives me benefit, thinking only about myself,
Isn’t that selfish ?
Is that really what True Love is ?
If I truly Love Ruth, and if my intentions to do this is sincere and pure, I must be prepared to not be the one to benefit from whatever I do
I must not hope for anything in return for myself
Because True Love means selfless sacrifice for the benefit of others
And look at what I’m doing, through this I am serving God by touching lives and healing people through the power of my personal testimonials of who God is
Edifying the Body of Christ ( The Church ) in all means and ways that I can
Changing the world a life at a time
Isn’t that a good thing ?
After all, I Love God right ?
Love is a very funny thing, Love doesn’t make sense
And yet, when I consider about it, Love makes perfect sense
The problem with True Love is that, it is perfect
So perfect that it seem to not make sense but when u think carefully about it, it’s the only factor in life which makes absolute sense
True Love is the gravity which holds our lives together, without True Love, our lives would fall apart
The only way to attain True Love is by being in Love with True Love
Yet can we truly love something we don’t know ?
I have spent more than 14 years of my life looking for Love without knowing what Love is
Imagine looking for a mobile phone yet never actually seen a mobile phone before while having people around you keep on describing to you with words what’s it like in very vague terms
That was what I been through
I have always imagined that once I found the love of a girl I would be finally totally content in everything, and I can finally have this place of rest in the arms of my beloved
I imagined it to be a special place which I can finally reach only when I found this girl of my dreams who would fulfill all the inner lacks that I have
And, finally, after my long and tiresome wanderings, this is the place where I finally belong, in her arms and she in mine
At the same time though, I was very discouraged when I observe the various broken marriage and relationships which surround me
What a stark contrast !
I have always thought, what can I do to avoid repeating the mistakes which cause these broken relationships around me ?
Now that I am reborn, I finally have the answers to all these questions I had in life
I perceive that, what I was looking for is not just the love of a woman but the Kingdom of God
Because the vast emptiness within us, is a vacuum that no person, no item or anything in this world can fill, except by God Himself.
Because God is Love.
The problem with Love is that, there is a lack of a standard definition of what Love is
I have spent years, doing so many surveys and talking to so many people researching this without any satisfactory result
Here it is, the definition that I have been looking for all my life :
God is Love by demonstration, because He shown His Love for us that, while we were still sinners, He sent His only begotten son Jesus Christ to die for us on the cross so that all of us who believe, may now live through Him by receiving His Love into our hearts
And be now raised up from death unto life through God’s Love, as Jesus was resurrected from the dead by the Holy Spirit of God, who now lives within us who believe that God Loves us through demonstration
The manifestation of God’s Love in our hearts then, is that we Love one another as how God first Love us
Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.
If anyone says, “I Love God,” and hates the people around him, he is a liar ; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot Love God whom he has not seen.
And this commandment we have from Jesus : Whoever Loves God must also Love his brother and sisters.
But then again of course, this is how Jesus defines brother and sisters : http://biblehub.com/esv/matthew/12.htm
True Love is not so small that it can be contained within an emotion, it is the embodiment of who God is, it is His Kingdom, and when God’s Kingdom reigns on this Earth, we will have heaven here on Earth ; the Kingdom of God is the Kingdom of Love because God is Love
To Love Truly is to do as how God did for us, in that while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly.
For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his Love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Because I am a scientist, I don’t believe in religion
King Jesus did not come with religion, He came with the Good News of the Kingdom of God,
the ideology, when lived out, establishes the Kingdom of Heaven, here on Earth
I live after True Love Everlasting, the Lord Jesus Christ
Love is not religion because no one can “convert” anyone to Love
Because True Love is given out of free will
There is no way for one person to Love another except that it be done out of free will
Same way there is no way to force another person to truly Love another person with a self sacrificial Love as what Jesus done for us
The only way True Love can happen is for that person to open their hearts to God and receive the Love of God into their hearts by faith
then after make the the choice to sacrifice their own comfort and maybe even their lives for the benefit of others around them despite clear knowledge of the negative circumstance which may encompass them
True Love is a choice, not an emotion or feeling
Knowing this now
While previously I was deceived by the mentality of the world, obsessed about sex, about losing my virginity and thinking about these things unceasingly day and night,
I now use the totality of that obsession, focus and capacity I have, to think about Love and the manifestation of God’s Love here in this reality, establishing His Kingdom here on Earth in the name of King Jesus Christ
Darkness cannot be overcome by darkness, it can only be overcome by Light
and the only source of Light in this world, is the Love of God. As demonstrated by Him through Christ Jesus
The Law of Moses is only a guideline, used to teach us and to show us that we are wrong but there is no law which can change the human heart
That’s why God sent Jesus to us, as the only way our hearts can change is if we make the choice to open our hearts to receive what Jesus done for us on the cross
Which is the physical demonstration of God’s Love for us
This is the only solution to the unrighteousness and injustice in this world, not by forcing our ideals on others but by us first making the choice to live out the ultimate ideal, the Love of Christ
Living according to the Words of Jesus, to be in Love with Love
True leaders lead by example
By being an example, other people can see our lives and they then have to make a choice, everyone gets a choice to choose between the darkness or the light
Take narcotic drug abuse for example, how many laws in the world have gone against it, how many messages been taught about its detrimental effects ?
Has this external solution worked ? Are drug abuse statistics on the rise or going down ?
In the end, drug victims can only completely be a thing of the past when every person choose not to patronise narcotic drugs at all
Think about it, if no one uses these drugs at all, the illegal cartels and bad people who runs these businesses will be without an income to sustain their operations, right ?
But of course, we also need to examine, why do people turn to these narcotic drugs in the first place ?
What drove them to seek something deadly like this out despite warnings and laws against narcotics ?
In my perception, they are attempting to fill the vast vacuum in their hearts with the things of this world
The things of this world can never satisfy and especially in the case of narcotics, will only detriment us further
Only God can fill this vacuum
Because God is Love
Can you imagine a world where people choose True Love Everlasting over everything else in this world ?
One of the problem of Love is, how can people know how to Love when they have never been Loved before ?
That also means that we can only Love others to the fullest capacity of what we know about Love, based on our experience of being Loved by others and knowledge of the scriptures in the Bible
Hence I hypothesize that, there are three components to knowing God but not necessary in this order of priority
1 ) Mental knowledge of who God is by reading the Bible in context
2 ) Experiential Relevance of who God is by the cumulative experience of being Loved by others and especially by followers of Jesus Christ
3 ) Partnership with God by making the choice to live out the Words of Jesus
I will elaborate on this further in future writings and also as I test out this hypothesis according to the scientific method
What are Words of Jesus then ?
Here is an example
Jesus said :
If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.
Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my follower.
For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?
Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’
Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand?
And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.
So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.
Salt is good, but if salt has lost its taste, how shall its saltiness be restored?
It is of no use either for the soil or for the manure pile. It is thrown away. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.”
But of course Jesus also said this :
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.
Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.
You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you.
These things I command you, so that you will love one another.
This is the promise of Jesus is that if we follow Him, we will be persecuted and killed :
As he sat on the Mount of Olives, the disciples came to him privately, saying, “Tell us, when will these things be, and what will be the sign of your coming and of the end of the age?”
And Jesus answered them, “See that no one leads you astray.
For many will come in my name, saying, ‘I am the Christ,’ and they will lead many astray. And you will hear of wars and rumors of wars. See that you are not alarmed, for this must take place, but the end is not yet.
For nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom, and there will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are but the beginning of the birth pains.
“Then they will deliver you up to tribulation and put you to death, and you will be hated by all nations for my name’s sake.
And then many will fall away and betray one another and hate one another.
And many false prophets will arise and lead many astray. And because lawlessness will be increased, the love of many will grow cold.
But the one who endures to the end will be saved.
And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.
If i give up my life to die for and to die following after True Love Everlasting, Lord Jesus Christ
To be in Love with Love Himself
Won’t I be the most romantic person amongst many ?
Can you imagine a nation of romantics ?
What would the world look like if one day every man, woman and child is able to Love one and another with unconditional Love ?
With a selfless Love which never gives up, never loses faith, always hopeful and endures every circumstance, every space and every time
What would become then, of us, our family, our friends, our nation and the world ?
The words of Jesus is the blueprint for establishing paradise here on Earth
I used to have many worries before this as I outlined in this book
And Jesus did say : Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all things will fall into place
I can testify this is True as I live this way now https://goo.gl/AFptcl
Behold, the blueprint for the perfect family :
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.
For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Saviour.
Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.
In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.
However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
( Context : http://biblehub.com/esv/ephesians/5.htm and http://biblehub.com/esv/ephesians/6.htm )
I desire a perfect family for my children
To build a family is the same as starting a business because marriage is a business partnership
A business fails when both partners have wrong priorities in regards to the endeavour
and also when both of them give unequal effort for the sake of the business
This is the same with marriage
The very foundation of what a successful marriage must be built on is True Love Everlasting
Both the husband and wife must be on the same page and understanding as to what Love is, this is the minimal
True Unchanging Perfect Love can only be achieved by living out the words of Jesus and this Love holds relationships together because its reliable, its responsible, its unchanging and does not subject to the whims of emotion
The demands in effort from both husband and wife for the success of this family, is
Mind, Body, Spirit and Strength all given to live out the Words of Christ
It’s hard, but it’s the only way
And I have a feeling, when this is successfully accomplished, the Love that manifest in this family will be so great that it overflows into the community and changes the nation
As I was praying last year 2016 during pre Easter fasting, God told me that I should live the next three years preparing myself to die ( Luke 9 )
And the way I live each day would be according to the words of Jesus ( John 15 )
I don’t know if I will die by 2019, but this is the period of preparation for the time to come
To live each day preparing to die is the best way to live
The more I become like Jesus, the better father I will be for my family
My pre-requisite for my wife to be now, is not the physical virginity I was obsessed about but rebirth, just as I was reborn
And that we must pursue after True Love Everlasting ; Lord Jesus Christ, on an equal level, having the same understanding to build our family on this strong foundation
Yet, to be honest, I don’t really have the hunger to have a wife now as before because I don’t really feel lonely anymore now as I now have God and through God I have now already attained True Love Everlasting
Plus I know clearly that if I marry a wife just because I want to satisfy my hormonal urges, this won’t be a healthy relationship hence won’t constitute the perfect family I envisioned without ceasing
Well, I am sure God’s timing is perfect, I trust in the Lord
I strongly believe in this : If you are looking for Mrs Right, first you BE Mr Right
I have been looking for a long time to build the perfect family, first I must be the perfect father for this future family of mine
I really want to become perfectly like Jesus
Please keep me in your prayers
Prior to my rebirth in Christ,
In the days I looked out every window to find what’s not there
In the nights I tried to find comfort in hiding what’s not here
On the streets and roads I wandered, in pursuit of never ever
In a room full of others, alone
Alone, my heart longed for others
Life was like having an itch within myself that I can’t reach to scratch no matter my reach
Having knowledge of a missing puzzle piece within that can never be fulfilled, despite due diligence to the point of obsession
The emptiness within which rang hollow as my eyes run lost scanning the starry night sky plotting methods to fill this void, at all times
But without permanence
All that has come to past since my rebirth in Christ
I am now new as my discovery of rest within the Good News of the Kingdom of God, the Words of Jesus
For within this Kingdom of True Love, is now my purpose to Live and purpose to die for
Springing forth thence is my identity and my belonging that I have wandered the wilderness searching for, all my life
I found it ! I really found it !
Its really hard to believe, but I found what I was looking for after all these years !
Now I must take up my cross and follow after my discovery with all I have
The writing of this book is part of my preparation for death
All I have experienced that I held dear, I choose to lay them down here at your feet, because I Love you
I hope that you may be blessed by the sharing of my life with you
Odd that one year after my rebirth, during fast and prayer 2016,
God also brought something into remembrance what I have forgotten long ago
Around the time when I was 12 years old, I read the book of revelations in the Bible, in which I read about dragons and the great battle
With a child’s faith I knelt down on my chair and prayed : O Lord, let me fight alongside your angels against dragons
God answered my prayer in my childhood
It is now that I finally understand how
Good News !
The Kingdom of God is at hand !
Hosanna to the Son of David !
Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord !
Hosanna in the highest !
All glory be unto King Jesus forever everlasting